One word answer- PEACE
Interestingly, part of being a control freak is an attempt to be at peace. It is difficult for me to be at peace when others are in control. It makes me anxious, frustrated and impatient.
Not so with God. His sovereignty brings me peace. Why so?
I was 7 and a half years old when Spider-man made his first appearance in 1962. Little did I know how much of an impact the comic book would make on me when I was struggling with the decision to fork out 2 more cents for a comic book. The cover sold me but the story helped shape me. "With great power comes great responsibility" were words to live by.
To this day I take responsibility very seriously- almost to a fault. The linkage between my since of responsibility and needing control doesn't escape me.
One thing Peter Parker's since of responsibility has never brought him is Peace. The poor hero is a portrait of angst. If he isn't worrying about how to pay the bills or keeping his Aunt May from heart failure, not to mention how to defeat the Green Goblin, he's struggling with how to keep his love life alive.
As a child, my fascination with monsters and horror movies may have contributed to my irrational fears. But I enjoyed the scares I received from Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster and the Wolfman. I could see those monsters. What frightened me the most were intangible monsters and chief among those was DEATH. I rememember preparing myself for any night time invaders who might come into my room at night with the purpose to finish my life by burying a blade into my chest as I slept. I still have the hardback astronomy book I would place between my chest and my pajama top to prevent a knife from reaching my heart.
At night I would often lay awake feeling my heart beat in my chest wondering what death would be like and what happened afterwards.
I had been taught about Heaven and Hell in Sunday School, but I hadn't been able to apply the concept to myself. I didn't know if death would bring eternal sleep, firey pits or Heaven's delights. The unknown made me anxious. I figured the best thing to do was to try and keep it at bay. Live right. Don't smoke. Take precautions. I figured I would try and control Death. That astronomy book was a tool of my control.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't spend a whole lot of time obsessing over what would happen to me when I died.
I grew up so very average. Average in looks- Average in scholastics- Average in sports etc.
Average was OK. It beat being sub-par, but it left me with all the insecurities most teens have.
For the most part I did the responsible thing when I had to make a decision or faced temptation. Unfortunately, I underachieved. I didn't have any goals and was just happy to get by.I started to get cocky after high school and began testing my boundaries more. Pleasure became my pursuit. When I started college, I found I could no longer just get by. I promptly dropped out
I found myself working as a Maytag repairman. It was kind of a lonely job as the old commercial claimed, but I was intent on making up for it in my off hours. Responsibility hadn't failed me, but I began failing my responsibilities. I thought I was taking control of my life.
When I turned 21 years old, a series of events, beginning with an aneurysm in my father's brain, began influencing the path I was on. The old fear of death reared its ugly head once again. I feared for my Dad. I could not control what was happening and felt helpless. My father not only survived surgery but he also was instrumental in introducing me to the pretty nurse he was fond of who would eventually become my wife. His experience also led him to a decision to rededicate himself to a decision he had made as a boy. He gave credit for his recovery to God. He began going to church again and living his life by faith. I took notice but I wasn't interested. I was glad Dad was improving but now my interests were with nurse Judy.
Judy and I had been dating for just a few months when we decided to get married. My Mom and Dad were thrilled and everything seemed great and I felt I was in control. Then my mother died. I don't think I've ever felt so helpless. I remember Judy calling me at work and telling me I needed to get to the hospital. Mom had been in the hospital for about a week with heart problems and I could tell from the call things had turned for the worse. I tried bargaining with God as I drove to the hospital. I dropped by the church I attended when I was a child and dropped all the money I was carrying off in the church mailbox thinking it might help coerce God into letting my mother live. It didn't work. I couldn't control God. I couldn't control death.
At my mother's funeral the pastor spoke of how he had visited my mom prior to her death and how he felt confident with her place in heaven. He stated she had said she was trusting in Jesus Christ for her salvation from the penalty of her sins. He gave testimony to the scriptures as I heard the familiar John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, taht He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." But he also mapped out verses from the book of Romans that at the time I only noted superficially but in time would have greater significance. His message brought me comfort but not personal peace.
Time slipped by and Judy and I were married. The old since of responsibility loomed large and I was busily doing my best to be a responsible married man.
In January of 1977, about 6 months after Judy and I had wed, I was browsing a book store trying to find a book on reincarnation. I had seen the movie "The Reincarnation of Peter Proud" on TV the night before and it had sparked my interst in the subject. The occult section bumped up against the religion section and the book "The Late Great Planet Earth" caught my eye. My thoughts went back a few weeks to an interview I had seen with the author. At the time I had been impressed by Hal Lindsey's command of Bible prophecy and his relating it to the world we live in. I opted to pick up "The Late Great Planet Earth " instead.
As I began to read through the book, I couldn't help but feel the scriptures he quoted had the ring of truth. I compared Hal Lindsey's accounts and references with my own bible and the truth was inescapable. I discovered I wasn't in control. There was nothing I could do to earn a place in heaven. Ephesians 2:8-9 says"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast." Pastor Paul's message from Roman's was now clear. Even though "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" Rom 3:23 and "the wages of sin is death" Rom 23a "the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Sitting at my desk at work I let go of the responsibility for working toward peace with God and followed God's direction and prayed in accordance with Romans 10:9-10 "if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses resulting in salvation."
For the first time, I understood Jesus took on the responsibility for my sins when he bore them on the cross. I didn't have to be responsible for a task I couldn't control and I was at peace.
Romans 5:1 says" Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ."
This peace is further strengthened when I read "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor andgels, nor prioncipalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 8:38-39
Thirty-Three years ago, God sovereignly directed my steps toward Jesus Christ. I still find myself trying to control most things and taking responsibility for most things and I still find when I turn things over to God they work out for the better. I'm most at peace when everything is under control and knowing the creator of all things who is just and merciful, who knows all things and who is all powerful, eternal and Holy is the sovereign Lord of everything I can't help but be at peace.
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